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Sudden Human Predator Death Syndrome Spreads Panic in the Oligarchy
The ranks of the privileged and powerful are experiencing unprecedented panic as an unexplained and highly deadly epidemic of Sudden Human Predator Death syndrome (SHPD) sweeps through the upper echelons of the glorious global oligarchy.
SHPD is a mysterious malady that, to date, has only stricken psychopaths in the highest ranks of the ruling elite.
The only happy campers in the SHPD pandemic are the undertakers, who report they are swamped with non-stop calls for cryogenic preservations and elaborate funeral processions befitting the flood of noble, albeit often not-so-pretty remains.
In the hope of securing an exclusive interview, NWO Reporter contributing editor Henry Foster rushed to the sealed titanium quarantine chamber where Chief Globalord spokesperson Aimee Goodsham has been confined pending identification of the source of the SHPD epidemic.
"Everyone's terrified," Goodsham said, speaking via video intercom, her voice shaky with fear, "I need to get out of here...anywhere...I don't care where to. Help me, Henry!"
Quickly exiting before any desperate tears could fall from Aimee's haunted eyes, Henry's next stop was Saint Rockefeller's Hospital for the Super Important, where he spoke with pandemic specialist Dr. Ima Noatall, who, upon inquiry, seemed to know next to nothing at all about why everyone who is anyone without a conscience is dropping like flies.
"SHPD is selectively striking psychopaths at the highest level of government, banking and industry," said Dr. Noatall, "God only knows what will become of the world if we lose one more member of the IMF or Trilateral Commission. The Council on Foreign Relations is holding steady on numbers, since most of them are just clueless intellectuals convinced they are saving the world through secret manipulation, but they're running around like chickens with their heads cut off without marching orders from the top."
"What is the source of this plague?" asked Henry. "Is it a virus of some kind?"
"Unlikely," scoffed Dr. Noatall, "death by virus is primarily an invention to sell pharmaceuticals, fear and tyranny to the masses. It's true that just about anything from a germ to a pin-prick can take someone down when the immune system reaches a certain critical level, but Globalords are hardly of the class that would be facing that kind of deprivation or intentionally orchestrated destruction."
"Have you identified a cause of death?" Henry asked.
"Almost all have been identified as either sudden cardiac arrest, brain hemorrhage or burst aneurism," said Dr. Noatall, speaking in a confidential whisper, as if afraid the walls had ears. "Most of the upper echelons have been evacuated to their emergency underground bunkers, but it hasn't slowed down the SHPD, not in the slightest. They're dropping at the rate of about one every day. They're afraid of their own shadows."
Dr. Noatall reports that the Globalords have eliminated nearly every doctor, body guard, cook, servant and intelligence operative on their teams in a frantic effort to identify the source of the SHPD, but the demise of the elite has continued unabated. The wealthiest and most important psychopaths in the world, most of whom have never so much as trimmed their own toenails, are doing their own laundry, preparing their own dinners and scrubbing their own toilets, afraid to let anyone near them until the source of the deadly pandemic has been identified.
The initial working theory was that domestic terrorists had somehow appropriated or manufactured beam weapons, which have long been used by the Globalords to eliminate undesirables without generating suspicion. However, it is believed that the beam weapons would not be able to penetrate the extraordinarily deep and heavily reinforced underground bunkers where the Globalords are now cowering in constant fear.
The only hypothesis remaining, according to Dr. Noatall, is a truly terrifying one: that the New Agers have discovered that the power of Mind can be used to project something other than Love.
"It's a horrifying prospect," said Dr. Noatall, "but the only other explanation we can think of is divine intervention, which has long been recognized as a fairy tale created by ancient Globalords to discourage popular uprisings."