Monday, May 12, 2014


Today is a special day because it is the anniversary of my daughter, Anastasia's, stillbirth. Every year I like to post her picture not only to honor her, but to let people know that through the loss of Anastasia (and my 4 other children who did not make it through), I somehow found myself.

Having grown up on Long Island, in the world of artificial lights, I was raised to believe that what matters is the kind of clothes I wear, what brand of shoes I buy, how my make-up and hair looks, and whether my appearance is adequate for the artificial standards presented to us by the world of technocracy. And for decades I believed in the importance of these things and tried desperately to fit in.

But you know what… I never did fit in to the technocratic world and that is because it is a world of extreme toxicity -- a world that is devoid of human love, that disconnects us from God and nature, that despises little children (and even treats infants like shit!) and prohibits the expression of soul.

My daughter's death was the final straw. It was the straw that helped me break the spell of this trauma-infested culture and understand the impact of 40+ years of abuse on my psyche and my soul.

I come from a lineage of abusers. My family does not realize the extent of the abuse they have endured or inflicted on each other. It pains me to see how children are treated in my family and how patterns of abuse and neglect are getting passed on to the next generation. The sweetest children in my family -- those who are the most sensitive, kind, and gentle -- are the most vulnerable. They are forced to develop alter personalities by the time they are 8 or 9 -- personalities which will allow them to "fit-in" to this toxic, trauma-infested reality and that will allow them to become harder, tougher, and more able to handle the abuse -- more able to separate themselves from their soul.

It is damn near impossible for a child in my family to emerge into their teenage years with their essence intact. And so it is likely that they will end up doing drugs and having reckless, meaningless sex. It is likely they will have relationships with the wrong people (possibly several of them as they re-live what their parents have done) and that these false unions will cause harm to future children and keep the wounding going. It is likely that, after spending so much time performing -- i.e., acting as if they are someone they are not in order to get approval from their parents and teachers and friends -- they will have no idea who they are, what they really enjoy, or what they can offer to this planet. It is likely that they will not be able to dance without being told how to move or to celebrate life without being told in what ways it is acceptable to “party.”

It is likely they will engage in "work" that has no meaning and that benefits our planet in no way whatsoever. It is possible that this “work" could be harmful to them, or worse, to other life forms and to all of life.

It is likely that these children will become more and more disconnected from their essence as time goes by and that they will become harder, colder, and sadder as they move into adulthood. It is likely that they will be sickly, having spent their earliest years eating rotting carcasses and GMO foods, getting circumcised and vaccinated, and being exposed to a relentless assault of toxic chemicals being sprayed in our air, put in our water, and placed all over the Earth in the form of pesticides, herbicides, fungicides, and more.

It is even possible that they will be sterile and that perhaps this is nature's way of putting an end to a species that is an aberration and an ever-escalating danger to itself and the entire planet.

How sad it is to observe all of this and to be the lone person in my family who is willing and able to look at it. How sad to be the “outcast” – the one who does not fit in – the one with the strange ideas – the one who KNOWS what is going on and refuses to look the other way.

Yet, there is relief in having come to this understanding and reaching such amazing clarity about what is happening to our world – and why. It gives me an advantage that many do not have and a sense of relief that my children are not living through this time.

And it provides me with determination – to do my part, to create change, to expose the abuse and evil, and to put an end to it, once and for all.

When my children are re-born into the real God’s world (instead of the satanic nightmare we find ourselves in), they will be born in a space of love. They will have a magnificent space of love prepared for them before they are even conceived, and they will be conceived consciously and as an expression of authentic human love. They will be parented by people who truly love each other, who share common goals and visions, and who have a pristine dream for the Earth and are following a path to achieve it. They will be gestated in love and birthed in love – and they will be raised without poisons – and this includes not only chemical and food poisons but the poison that is TV and the so-called educational system.

Now I realize that it is quite late in the game for me. But I haven’t given up on the idea of bringing forth new life. I am still hopeful that we will see enormous change on this planet – in this lifetime – and that it will soon be safe to bring forth new life again. But right now, I do not feel safe and so, I will trust that my body will know when it is time. And in just the right moment, I will release an egg so that it may meet the sperm of my fully conscious and loving partner -- and they will do their life-creating dance together in service to the emergence of life.

And in that moment, a new world will be born – and it will be a world filled with love -- a world where it is safe for my babies to thrive.

I love you Anastasia. And I love all the souls who tried to enter this dimension through me. And I say thank you to my facebook and blogger communities for your ongoing friendship and support.