Recently I was asked by a colleague to write a short essay on the difference between sex and love. Here are my musings:
SEX and LOVE are definitely not the same thing. Although the words are often used interchangeably in our society, there are some very important distinctions that should be made regarding the nature of sex and love and the quality of the experience that each provides.
The word “sex,” can be used in a variety of different contexts, such as to describe the difference between male and female and/or to describe the activity of sexual intercourse.
Some people argue that intercourse is the only form of sexual activity that qualifies as “sex,” while others use the word sex to describe various forms of sexual behavior including oral sex, anal sex, masturbation, and all forms of sensual touch engaged in for the purpose of creating sexual arousal.
The activity of “sex” can result in an orgasm which provides the human body with an experience of physical pleasure. This physical pleasure can be brilliant and powerful, however, it is also fleeting and short-lived, and in some instances, can be followed by longer-term feelings of emotional, spiritual and psychological loss and depletion. This is especially true if sex is engaged in outside of the bonds of authentic love.
The activity of sex can also lead to the conception of children. However, it is important to note that babies conceived as a result of a lustful or loveless sexual encounter are often unwanted, which causes them to suffer -- both in the womb and at birth and beyond -- and can result in an adult who has life-long difficulty generating authentic experiences of love.
Children conceived through lustful or loveless sex are often perceived as draining or burdensome to their parents – whereas children who are purposefully conceived in a mutual explosion of love can provide feelings of restoration and renewal to their parents.
The mainstream media promote lustful and pornographic sex, as does the culture of “masculinity” in western society (i.e., a society that has come very far from understanding the truth of how the sacred masculine energy was intended to express itself). The media would have us believe that sex based on carnal desire will lead us to joy. However, nothing could be further from the truth. Sex engaged in solely for the purpose of fulfilling carnal desires will lead us away from love.
Pornographic sex (i.e., bodies without heads or hearts grabbing, rubbing and banging against each other) can cause incredible pain to the human psyche and spirit because this type of sex is devoid of spiritual depth and connection. Two bodies coming together for the sole purpose of experiencing fleeting moments of physical pleasure can leave participants feeling empty and short-changed once the sexual encounter is complete. This emptiness can be deep and profound, leading participants to engage in numerous sexual encounters in the hopes of someday experiencing "the real deal." This is what we call sexual addiction.
The “real deal,” ironically, has nothing to do with carnal desire or physical pleasure, per se, but involves two people coming together with profound spiritual intent to engage in lovemaking for the express purpose of co-creation with God in the form of bringing forth new life.
This type of “sex” will most definitely activate the neurobiology of love in both participants and leave a lasting, love-filled imprint on both mother and father as well as the child being conceived.
“Love,” is the energy that creates universes. It is all-pervasive and all-powerful.
At their core, humans ARE love and are able to experience their essence when circumstances and conditions allow for the neurobiology of love to activate within their physical vehicles (i.e., the human body).
In a context of absolute spiritual safety and trust, humans can undergo physiological, hormonal, and neurochemical changes in the brain which will trigger a release of oxytocin and endorphins into the system, activating an experience of “love.” This neurochemical experience does not require “sex” to activate, but can be triggered by something as simple as eye-gazing, such as when a new mother gazes into the eyes of her newly born babe and suddenly experiences deep and profound sensations of extreme joy and well-being – sensations which will be remembered throughout life.
The energy of love can also be felt as heart-center sensations of expansion and opening, and can cause alterations in conscious perception, enabling the experiencer to connect with a much expanded version of themselves or "God."
Due to the extremely high levels of trauma that most humans are experiencing in the womb, at birth, and within the first two years life, it has become increasingly difficult for us, as a species, to maintain our connection to our essence and to produce authentic experiences of love. We are, in effect, a brain damaged species, and this is making it more difficult for our systems to activate the neurobiology of love in our bodies.
To compound our troubles, we are being conditioned/manipulated to “have sex” in ways that are deeply wounding to the human psyche and spirit. This is moving us further away from our essence and from what we really want – i.e., to experience a love-filled life and to live in a culture that knows the secret to preserving love in families forever.
Getting clear about the distinction between sex and love – and adjusting our behavior accordingly—is key to our healing.